Sins, Making sincere toubah, Correct your matters with Allah
Submitted by Shaheen Kola on
I have a problem and need a solution for it.
This is my story, I went out and had an extra marital affair and had three children with another lady. Three years ago I admitted my affair to my wife and since than our relationship is not as it used to be. I know my relationship with my wife is a long time back from the school days and just for her happiness, I stopped seeing the other family .
Now when I am giving my 100% to my children and wife at home, we are having continuous problems over and over again, just because she hates the other family. When I came back to her we had an understanding that she accepts me as I am and we start off afresh but this did not materialise. I am giving my weekly contribution and a house to the other family, despite this; we have a lot of disagreements and arguments. On an occasion, this has resulted me saying ‘talaak’ to her (3 times). I moved from our family house where my mom now stays alone. My wife doesn't like my mom because she was sick of seeing us fighting. Now she even doesn't like my mom visiting us at home. Today my mom was very sick, I asked my wife to cook dinner for my mom but we ended up in another argument.
I know it is my fault for messing my own life but I asked for forgiveness and till today she hasn't in return asked for forgiveness. I have started my 5 times salaat, going out in Jamaat, really telling her what our Din wants from us and how to forgive and live a happy life. I don't know what to do, I feel like leaving the children and the house and going out to live on my own so as to avoid any confrontation and trouble. Now that I am also giving bayaans in the masjid and really can't continue living this troubled life.
Kindly advise me, what to do, as she doesn't want to leave me and doesn't accept the teachings of Islam which I tell her every day. We have taleem at home every day but it's just like she doesn't understand. As for me, my mom raised us up in a very poor situation those days and I do love them both. My dad left us for another lady when I was three months old.
I have 4 children and my life is still not on track after doing so much for her. It's just like when you tell her things from an Islamic perspective, she doesn't absorb it. She has a wrong understanding that Islam teaches marriages after marriages for man and she is a convert into Islam. Due to my stance to follow Islam 100%, it has made it a bit difficult for her to accept because of our previous life style.
You have to realise and understand you committed a great sin by having an extra marital affair. This is what sins are: terribly poisonous, ugly and destructive, but, beautiful, sweet and tasty in the beginning and then they show their true colours; bitter, ugly and destructive!
Your only way is to make sincere toubah (which I don't sense from your letter). When we correct our matters with Allaah Jalla Jala Laho , then Allaah Jalla Jala Laho corrects our matters, with people. Your wife has been terribly hurt, just asking for forgiveness, wanting to start all over afresh, buying her presents and telling her sweet words is not going to work magic! Once a glass is broken, will it keep water in it? You have broken her heart! Your first effort is to make Allaah Jalla Jala Laho happy with sincere toubah and istighfaar, then to mend her heart - this can take time, months and even years - and in the process don't break it again. Don't become angry and say wrong and terrible things. When you have mended her heart things will start to become right again! And since she is a revert, you have to be more kind, loving and tolerant to her.