Nikah Bayaan delivered in Port Elizabeth

وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِي عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَلِلرِّجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةٌ

And they (women) have rights (that men owe to them) similar to those (that men have) over them (which should be fulfilled) in kindness. (However) men have a degree (of responsibility and guardianship) above them (above women).

For women are rights similar to the rights that are upon them. Both, the husband and the wfe have rights to fulfil towards each other according to the norms of a healthy society. What the people of a society regard as rights of the husband and wife will be regarded as rights of the spouses. This is one meaning of the word “Maaroof” that is mentioned in the verse. Another meaning of ‘Maroof’ in the verse means that both have rights towards each other that ought to be fulfilled which must be according to Shariat.

In the end of the verse Allah Ta'ala says, “Men enjoy a rank of superiority.”  He has been made the Amir or leader of the house. An Amir is required in all works of life. In congregational Salaah we appoint one person as the Imaam. In the Masjid committee, one person is appointed as the chairman. If we maintain this, we will have a sober home and consequently a sober society and nation. It starts from within oneself. We want the world to be corrected but we do not want to correct ourselves. This is certainly not the way. We should correct ourselves and the world will be corrected.     

 An interesting point that our Sheikh R.A. had pointed out towards was that Allah Ta’ala had commenced the verse by speaking of the rights of the women first followed by the rights of the husband and finally ended by stating that the man enjoys a position that is higher.

Initially the rights of the wife have been mentioned as she is the weaker of the two. At times they have even lost their parents so Allah Ta’ala takes her part and intercedes on behalf of her that her rights should be considered and fulfilled.

The rights of the spouses can be understood by means of an example. There is a cart that is moving with wheels on either side. If these wheels on either side are in order, the cart will move without any problems. However, if both the wheels are only on one side the cart will not be able to move. It is the duty of the husband to earn and provide for the family, so he will remain out of the home in order to fulfil this obligation. The duty of the women is to remain indoors so that she may take care of the kids, prepare the meals, etc. If both wheels are on their correct position the cart will now move perfectly. If the husband and wife leave the house to earn then both wheels are now on one side not allowing the cart to move as desired.

If the mother is out at work who will attend to the needs of the children? We try to substitute and replace this with a maid but she can never see to the children with the love and affection the mother does. In short, both should play their respective roles.

The husband should be compassionate towards the wife expressing kindness and love whilst the wife should display obedience to the husband. The wife desires that her rights be fulfilled but is not concerned of fulfilling the rights of the husband. The husband complains that the wife is not fulfilling his rights yet he does not bother fulfilling her rights. On the day of Qiyaamah Allah Ta’ala will not question the husband or wife whether their right was fulfilled by the other party or not, rather Allah Ta’ala will ask you whether you had fulfilled the rights of the other person.

If we realise this we will get our lives and homes in order and ultimately the community and the nation will be in order.

In another verse Allah Ta’ala states,

وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ

Live with them in kindness (treating them well).

Live with them in a way that is acceptable or according to a sober society and not that society whose minds are warped, or live with them in a manner that is according to Shariat. The Mufassireen have written,  

فيه تعليم الاحسان الى النساء والرفق بهن والصبر على اعواجهن

In it is the teaching of kindness to women and being kind to them and being patient upon their crookedness.

The three ways of dealing with a person. The first is termed as ‘Thulm’ where a person oppresses the wife and treats her unjustly. This is totally Haraam and should be discarded.

 The second is called “Adal” which is justice or equality. You treat a person according to the manner he treats you. If she speaks ill of his parents, he will treat her like wise. Each one tries to score points against the other one. 

The third method is Ihsaan (i.e. even though one is bad to you, you treat him kindly). If she says, “Your mother is a witch then you tell her that her mother is a fairy.” By doing so, you will win as her heart will automatically melt. However, if you respond by saying that her mother is a bigger witch then there will be continuous problems that will never end. This is a quality that should be adopted by the men as men have broad shoulders, a big heart, etc. This type of character has to be displayed initially thereafter she will give preference to you in all matters but on condition that you win her heart. On the contrary, if you break her heart then what can be placed in a broken heart?  Allah Ta'ala states in the Quraan,

وَلَا تَسْتَوِي الْحَسَنَةُ وَلَا السَّيِّئَةُ ادْفَعْ بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ

Good and evil cannot be equal. Resist (the harassment and insults of your enemies) with that (form of resistance) which is best (by being kind and forgiving).

It s mentioned in the Hadith that women have been created from the crooked rib of man, therefore we shouldn’t expect her to be straight. The raw material was supplied by the man. Another interesting point is that she was not created with skull bone therefore you should not put her on your head and forget your mother. She was not made from the bone of the leg therefore she should not be made a football and kicked around, neither was she made from the knuckle bones that she should be made a punching bag. Allah Ta’ala had not put any bones in your tongue therefore you should not use any harsh words on her. Allah Ta’ala has kept the tongue soft therefore soft and kind words should be spoken.

If one has to correct some wrong then it should be corrected using the correct approach. It should not be corrected in the wrong way. Do not use harsh words and worsen the situation. She was created from the rib close to the heart, therefore give her place in your heart and keep her in your heart with love. The world can be controlled with love.

The wife can be controlled with the iron fist or with love and kindness. The hard hearted man may control the wife with the iron fist but this will not bear any results. On the other hand, if one controls with love and kindness then one may not achieve immediate results but wonderful results will be noticed over time. 

In the Quraan Sharif, Allah Ta’ala says that Nikah is from amongst the great signs of Allah Ta’ala which means that one is able to attain the friendship of Allah Ta'ala through Nikah. It is recorded in the Hadith that Nikah is half of Imaan. For the remainder, one may acquire Taqwa. A person will experience tests in his marriage. If he passes the test, he will become the Wali of Allah Ta'ala and have a life of Jannat in this world. Any man that protects his gazes will be convinced that his wife is a Hur of Jannat which Allah Ta’ala has blessed him with in this world. May Allah Ta’ala grant us the Taufeeq. Ameen!